Not Without My Mobile Device Daughter
As of the end of last week, a new NY statewide ruling has authorized a $200 fine for cabdrivers talking on any mobile device, even if it’s hands-free. Whoa, whoa, whoa, New York State, do you really think you’ve thought this through? I get the reasoning behind it– it’s frustrating, to say the least, and possibly dangerous, to say the most, to have your cabdriver yammering on endlessly on the phone while driving you around. Is he asking me a question? Umm, I think you should’ve turned there, sir….sir? Are you yelling at me or the person on the phone?
I think we’ve all been there. But you know what? I think, New York State, that like any of the members of the Bluth family, you’ve made a huge mistake. Here’s why:
1) Can a cab driver’s job suck any worse? Apparently, yes.
The pay sucks, the hours are insane, and you probably have to deal with being exposed to some of the worst people ever (I’m looking at you, Times Square), and you’re forced to piss in coke bottles. And now, you can’t even answer the phone in the event that your mother dies or something? Maybe this is their only time they can talk to their wife in Bangladesh because of the crazy time differences. Great. I’m sure that won’t make them even more tense and bitter at all.
2) They’re already crazed meth/caffeine addicts
So clearly, they’re already mad about the fine to begin with, and what better way to calm down someone for whom mainlining meth or caffeine is practically a requirement for their job? Take away their ability to incessantly talk. So now YOU’RE going to be the lucky person at the other end of their rants. SOUNDS GREAT.
3) Great, now they’re probably going to yell at me and fight with other drivers more
Now that New York State has taken away the person cab drivers probably usually fight with/yell at, you’ve now become that default. Not just that, but now they’ll be way more into yelling at other drivers too, which as we all know, is almost always the most productive use of time when you’re trying to catch a cab so you won’t be late for work in the morning.
4) …Or murder me
Nine times out of ten, the conclusion to any speed-crazed rant is murder. I made that statistic up, but I’m pretty sure it’s probably true. There’s a pretty good chance that being unnecessarily exposed to a bevy of insane and angry drug addicts will lead to your death. I mean, they’re already mad at you, you’re there, so…who’s gonna stop them? Certainly not their bluetooths (blueteeth? what’s the plural of that?)!
5) …Or kick me out for making out…or become a creepy-ass voyeur
Listen, I’m already shy about showing any sort of PDA in a cab, because (1) it kind of makes it seem like you’re not acknowledging them as a person, and (2) I’ve actually been kicked out of a cab for the least graphic kiss I’ve ever had. So, now that cab drivers have your full attention, they can judge you and your date for any move you make and arbitrarily kick you out as a result. The other possibility here is that they’re now the creepy voyeur to your unbridled lust. Next thing you know, some lady on the subway platform is going to be selling something called “American Slut”, just like that time on National Lampoon’s European Vacation where Chevy Chase forgets to erase the film of Beverly D’Angelo’s towel-clad rendition of “Big Spender”.