Reasons to Raise Chickens in Your Backyard

Assholes

There’s this relatively new phenomenon happening right now called the Urban Farming Movement. (Check it out: even T.I. supports it!) My boyfriend, in particular, is really into it for two reasons: 1.) He fancies himself as a sort of misanthrope and really loves the idea of never having to unwillingly interact with the checkout guys at Trader Joe’s; and 2.) He’s really into preparing for an apocalypse. Subsequently, my boyfriend and I are the proud (owners? parents?) of three laying hens: Dax, Starbuck, and Blair Waldorf. At first, I fucking hated them on a personal level, but I eventually learned to love them after discovering that owning chickens is really economical:

Personal security Somebody who houses chickens in their backyard looks crazy. Just ask my neighbors. But I’m okay with it because it means that now no one will break into my house and steal my shit; any potential buglers assume that someone who houses chickens in their tiny backyard also marinates bodies in their bathtub. It’s called the Deliverance Effect — people don’t like to mess around with that country bumpkin bullshit. This scare tactic is way cheaper than renter’s insurance. (Seriously. I’ve looked into it.)

Free friends At first, my neighbors wanted to kill me. And I don’t blame them. I kind of wanted to kill myself. But once I started passing out our extra eggs, they came around. Transparent assholes.

Training validates your spot on the top of the food chain Chickens are borderline retarded, so they’re easy to manipulate. Their instincts tell them to wake up at sunrise, but if you make sure their coop is facing west, they won’t wake up until your hangover subsides. That – combined with the fact that you’re eating their unfertilized babies – makes you feel really powerful.

More free friends As mentioned above, chickens are borderline retarded and thus fascinated by noise. So when you talk to them, they’re really alert and they really make you feel like what you’re saying is important. I know that getting personal validation from a chicken may be viewed by some as sad, but therapy’s expensive so hey, whatever works.

It quells those maternal instincts Ladies, I don’t know about you, but sometimes I wake up and I really want a baby. It’s weird and irrational and the feeling’s not so strong that I’m gonna start poking holes in my condoms, but it’s there and I don’t like it. Raising chickens quickly helped me get over that bullshit. While putting the chickens to bed every night isn’t really a nuisance (unless I’m drunk and can’t manage to sidestep all the shit), it’s a lot easier than putting a crying baby to sleep. And chicken feed is a lot cheaper than an abortion anyway. (Trust me. I looked into this too.)