Dear Tiffani-Amber Thiessen

Miss U.

Hi Tif! (Can I call you Tif? Did Brian Austin Green call you Tif? Does it have two F’s?) Anyway, how’ve you been?! I feel like I haven’t seen you in awhile. What’s that? You were in a pilot in 2008? Hm, nope, sorry not remembering anything like that… pretty sure if I saw you on TV I would remember that. I mean, I remember every time I’ve “accidentally” watched the “Best Summer of My Life” episode where you and the gang all get jobs at the Malibu Sands. Remember how you weren’t dating Zach that summer? (Best summer of my life indeed!) Remember how Zach was chasing after that brunette and then she later moved to Queens and got married to Paul Blart the Mall Cop? Haha! That was great! I had so much fun that summer.

Ok, but seriously? Where have you been? You did so many guest roles on so many other mediocre sitcoms in the 90’s that I’m really thinking you should probably fire your agent. I would totally be open to representing you, you know…because of how we’re friends and all. OMG. Do you know what I just remembered? Fastlane.

First of all: That title!

Second of all: That premise! Two undercover cops in LA confiscate stolen cars and drugs and stuff and then use them? OK, that might actually happen in LA, but still! Who thought this stuff up? Oh, his name is just McG? No first name then? Weird. To be fair though, we did all think Bill Bellamy was going to be the next Chris Rock. (Who could have foreseen that he would turn out to be the next Pauly Shore? Is Pauly Shore dead? Did you ever lifeguard at the MTV Beach House?)

Hey, you know what? I even kind of liked Good Morning, Miami. That dude was too short for anyone to take him seriously though. He also had the same hair as a G.I. Joe Action figure. I know you were just a guest appearance, but If I had written that show it would have called Goode: Mourning Miami and you would have played Sally Goode, a beautiful young Katie Couric-type Morning Show Host with a dark streak who is a vigilante serial killer cleaning up the streets of Miami by night. Actually, I think that’s the plot of the Showtime Original Series Dexter, but you see where I’m going with this. (Michael C. Hall hasn’t returned my calls.)

I read on the Internet that you were also in a Woody Allen movie. Is this true? Woody Allen is the guy from “Tool Time”, right? Was it The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause? Because I never saw that one. Honestly, it seems like the last time you “acted” on TV was when you had your guest bedroom redesigned by a contestant on an HGTV reality show. Really? That seems kind of sad. You couldn’t just hire someone to come redo your guest room? Aren’t you like filthy rich from Saved by the Bell reruns? I would have helped, you wouldn’t even have to pay me. I could re-create Jessie Spano’s bedroom from memory, right down to the spilled vial of caffeine pills so whenever she wants to come over she could totally have a place to stay! I heard she was in to stripping these days, so she could probably use a friend.

Can we also talk about your production company that you named “Tit 4 Tat”? If you don’t mind me saying, that is a brilliant thing to name your production company. I love the clever use of the number “4” in the middle there! Do you want to produce my web video show, called “Let’s Get T.A.T.’ed” in which I get your initials tattooed on my lower back? I think it’s going to be a hit, but I only have the one webisode right now.

Oh, and the Internet also tells me you’re expecting a child in May. Congratulations! But what about your recently renovated guestroom? Won’t you have to re-redecorate it for the baby? Or do you have multiple guest rooms? (Then why haven’t you invited me over, you goof!) Are you going to hire someone this time? Because I have a bunch of your old stuff that I bought on Ebay, that I thought maybe the baby would like to have. Nothing weird, just like some old blankets and stuff. Do you have a name for the baby? Will it also have a hyphenated first name? I thought up some names you might consider: If it’s a boy, how about “Andrew-Tiffani Thiessen”? And if it’s a girl you could go with “Tiffani-Andrew Thiessen.” What an adorable name!

Pics via my personal collection of TAT-related items/idontlikeyouinthatway, wikipedia, google image search, tvgasm respectively.