Informercial Products That Might Save You Money, OR, Be Completely Worthless

Thank god my phone is never handy when any of these air on TV, because otherwise my apartment would literally be full of infomercial purchases. My path toward acquiring this crap is always the same. I start out skeptical. I find the product, initially, worthless to society. 'œWhy the hell would I need a Slap Chop,” I think, “when I already have a KNIFE, which works just fine??' But then they show all these people tediously chopping things, and nearly severing their fingers and I realize, wait a second, traditional chopping methods suck. The Slap Chop would eliminate them completely!

However, the minute I get off the futon, find my phone and prepare to dial, I realize, shit, I have been told to get my credit card ready. So I go on another search to find my credit card, and in that time the infomercial has usually been replaced by court TV.

Probably this is a good thing, because the few products I have purchased from infomercials have not been up to snuff. And of course some of them are downright retarded. Regardless, I suspect so many of these inventions would change my life.

Mighty MendIt

Hating sewing is not just for little kids in sweatshops. It is for all of us. The people at Mighty MendIt promise that the next time you sit in a chair and split your pants, there will be no need to resew this seam, nor to ever fear wearing these pants again, because you can fix them with a few dabs of Might MendIt. But do glued-together clothes last? Pssh. That question contains a false premise and I will tell you why: Mighty MendIt, though it looks like a glue, is not. It is a FLEXIBLE BONDING AGENT far superior to glue.

It won’t just save you money at the tailor’s, either – it will also save you money in your skydiving hobby. How?? Well, we all know that after a certain amount of skydiving, you’re going to tear a few holes in your parachute. The cost of inspection alone for parachute repair at Performance Designs is $25 – plus up to $360 for the actual chute mending. Compare this to Mighty MendIt, which costs $19.95. You might be saying, why would I risk horrific death to save $365.05?? To that I respond, you are already jumping out of an airplane with little more than a deployable tarp to save you, so maybe you should reevaluate your life choices before posing these sorts of inane questions.

OxiClean

OxiClean did not take the whiskey stains out of my futon cover, sooooo, I dunno. I want to believe it works, for the sake of Billy Mays’ legacy, but sometimes wanting is not enough.

Food Dehydrator

How much do you spend on Fruit Roll-ups, beef jerky and banana chips a month? Forty dollars? One hundred dollars?? If you’ve never calculated this cost, it’s probably even higher. Why on earth are you flushing money down the toilet when you could be making your own Fruit Roll-ups and beef jerky? As a child, I used to ask myself this all the time. Sadly my parents would not buy me a food dehydrator. To this day I think about how wonderful it would be, and all the dehydrated foods I would enjoy, most of which would be suitable in SPACE, should that come up.

Ped Egg

Can also be used as a zester. It’s not gross if you have a dishwasher.

Urine Gone Stain & Order Remover

According to its website, 'œUrine Gone comes with the '˜Stain Detective’ black light. Simply darken the room and watch the stains glow, so you don’t miss any.”

If there is one thing we could all use, it is more paranoia about germs and stains. And if it doesn’t work as a stain remover, at least you would have a new theme for parties!