Answering Your Questions About Drugs

Remember when your mom or some other old, decrepit person would talk to you about drugs, and be like, “is that HASHISH I smell??” And you would think carefully, trying to find the right answer and turning over the word “hashish” in your mind, which is a funny word, though now is not a good time to laugh! Until finally you were like, “Hahaha! Ahhh… Umm, no.” And your mom would give you this look, like, “I cannot believe my child, who has this bright and wonderful future, is on the pot,” whilst you resumed preparing macaroni and cheese.

Sadly, I have recently begun to identify with the mom in this situation, as new drugs frighten and confuse me. I don’t really even know how people acquire them, and if I tried, I’m sure everyone would immediately assume I was a cop, based on my clear unfamiliarity with the whole process. Plus it’s not as if drugs are sold on every corner, and all you’d have to do to get some is sort of stand around outside your apartment and ask medium-loudly, “does anyone have any drugs I could buy??”

Unless you live in Brooklyn, in which case, you could do just that. So drugs are readily available! But which ones are fun, and which turn you into a homeless person frightening little children outside the methadone clinic?? Let’s take a look.

Salvia

What’s the dealio with salvia? The internet suggests that it’s similar to shrooms, and you should have a “safe” person to babysit should you attempt it. I dunno, I am on the fence here. Miley Cyrus seemed to enjoy it, but for how long?? I leave you to your own judgment.

Weed

Weed seems to be getting super potent these days. It’s never a bad idea to spliff unfamiliar weed with tobacco to gauge how much you can handle, so that you do not wind up on the couch feeling super paranoid, uncomfortable, and basically unable to move. Then, have some paper available on which to draw on, because these drawings will later be priceless. Also lots of take out menus, as any sort of expedition into the outside world involves too many decisions and will be a total buzz-kill.

Cocaine

Pfffft. I’d say no, as this has a high tendency to result in homeless person. Unless you WANT to be like Rick James, in which case, first make sure you have lots of money for the lawsuits various ladies are going to file. Then I guess enjoy yo’self?

Shrooms

There must be some magic ratio of body weight to shrooms, but I do not know what it is. Just don’t take too many or you will be seriously sick to your stomach. Also, put them on pizza or something, because plain shrooms taste like butt. And make sure to have a babysitter! Very important. When you’re freaking out about the sky opening up and an angry hand emerging from that opening, someone will need to calm you down, and your babysitter is that person.

Air Conditioners, nutmeg, etc.

According to the news, kids are huffing air conditioner freon and eating tablespoons of nutmeg pretty much 24/7. I find this hard to believe, because these sound like the worst highs ever, but IF you happen to ever be in a situation where someone’s like, hey come huff from this air conditioner! I would advise leaving that middle school, going home, and renting “Freaks and Geeks” instead. It will be much better for your brain.