Five Things You’ll Never Look Cool Doing

We’ve all had those embarrassing moments where one minute everything is fine, and the next you can feel the blood rushing to your face and are eyeing what could be your quickest escape route so you can go home and cut yourself. Below are five things that it’s almost impossible to recover from, please feel free to add to the list.

1. Buying Pepto Bismol or Immodium AD.

You’re basically admitting to yourself and your cashier that your diarrhea has reached such an uncontrollable level that you now need to call in extra forces for back up.

2. Eating meat off the bone.

This one is pretty tricky. I’ve yet to see anyone pull it off without looking like the costar to barbecue sauce in a bukake film. Better yet, anything that requires an adult to wear a bib is probably bad news.

3. Tripping over a bump in the sidewalk.

It’s most likely that no one believes you randomly decided to jog for a few seconds. You can look down angrily all you want, but the truth is the people around you are probably laughing in their heads.

4. Getting out of the back of a two-door car.

There are so many things that could potentially go wrong. Whether it’s a mishap with the front seat belt, or just plain putting your ass in someone’s face, it’s pretty much inevitable that from outside of the car you’re going to look like a baby calf falling out of the womb and learning to use it’s legs for the first time.

5. Getting hit in the head.

This one applies everytime. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you get hit in the head with. You’ll never look cool and are guaranteed to make the same dumb face. I once saw Benicio Del Toro eating lunch at a cafe. After getting hit in the back of the head with a breadtsick, he turned around with the same mouth half open, droopy eyed look to see where it came from. I don’t watch his flicks anymore.