Arts and Culture

Five Things You’ll Never Look Cool Doing

Updated: Apr 19, 2015 21:27
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We’ve all had those embarrassing moments where one minute everything is fine, and the next you can feel the blood rushing to your face and are eyeing what could be your quickest escape route so you can go home and cut yourself. Below are five things that it’s almost impossible to recover from, please feel free to add to the list.

1. Buying Pepto Bismol or Immodium AD.

You’re basically admitting to yourself and your cashier that your diarrhea has reached such an uncontrollable level that you now need to call in extra forces for back up.

2. Eating meat off the bone.

This one is pretty tricky. I’ve yet to see anyone pull it off without looking like the costar to barbecue sauce in a bukake film. Better yet, anything that requires an adult to wear a bib is probably bad news.

3. Tripping over a bump in the sidewalk.

It’s most likely that no one believes you randomly decided to jog for a few seconds. You can look down angrily all you want, but the truth is the people around you are probably laughing in their heads.

4. Getting out of the back of a two-door car.

There are so many things that could potentially go wrong. Whether it’s a mishap with the front seat belt, or just plain putting your ass in someone’s face, it’s pretty much inevitable that from outside of the car you’re going to look like a baby calf falling out of the womb and learning to use it’s legs for the first time.

5. Getting hit in the head.

This one applies everytime. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you get hit in the head with. You’ll never look cool and are guaranteed to make the same dumb face. I once saw Benicio Del Toro eating lunch at a cafe. After getting hit in the back of the head with a breadtsick, he turned around with the same mouth half open, droopy eyed look to see where it came from. I don’t watch his flicks anymore.

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Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller was raised in a small, quaint village named Portland, Oregon before spontaneously packing two suitcases, scrounging up $300 and catching a flight to San Francisco. Judging from his garbage, he is a connoisseur of Sun Chips and rather inexpensive wine. His personal goals are to refrain from hailing and accepting rides in random cars as well as greatly reduce the amount of hugs he provides for the homeless community. While touring Jamaica and prompted for his opinion on the prevalence of TB in third world countries, Miller eagerly asked, "They have Taco Bell here?"


  1. Hugh G. Coch
    November 13, 2009 at 11:15 am

    It is obvious that picking your nose in your car while singing “you must not know bout me, you must not know bout me” at the top of your lungs with the windows wide open does not look cool, but actually getting caught doing it and trying to play it off like you were scratching your nose and coughing looks so much worse. You can never play that off, but as many times as you have been caught I will never learn. I mean you will never learn…shit!

  2. November 13, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Picking up your dog’s poop and toting the bag to the nearest garbage can. It’s got to be done, but still…there you are, all bent over picking up dog crap.

  3. Keara
    November 13, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    I’d like to add that it is completely impossible to look cool while walking downhill.

  4. Ashkon Davaran
    November 13, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    Drinking out of a straw.

    …if you’re over 8 and male that is…

  5. May 6, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    picking up a frisbee…

  6. Amanda
    May 26, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    Getting on a floaty. No possible way to make it look graceful.