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Broke-Ass Survival Guide for a Zombie Apocalypse

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If you’re not already up to speed on your Walking Dead, it’s probably time you get started. With recent news of the “Miami Zombie,” 31-year-old Rudy Eugene, who was reportedly naked as he chewed off the face of an innocent homeless man, until policeman took him down after multiple fires were shot. Yikes... Don’t even know where to start with that one…

But, I guess all we can do is … prepare.

Here’s my broke-ass survival guide for a zombie apocalypse:

1) Duct Tape: This is probably one of the most important items to have during such crucial times. Broken leg? Sure! Patch up the canoe? Sure! You just never one when it’s gunna come in handy, but trust me- you’ll thank me later.

2) Weapons and Protection: Ok, duh! You’re gunna have to be taking some of the corpses down, so if you’re aim isn’t up to parr- well shit, you better start practicing. Of course some sort of gun or machete would be perfect, but if you don’t have access to something that extreme, well… get creative. find something sharp, use that duct tape to fasten it to something secure and reliable. Scissors, knives, letter opener (do people even have a use for those anymore?), whatever.

3) Condoms/Birth Control: That annoying Lori Grimes from The Walking Dead taught me that having babies during a zombie apocalypse is probably not the best idea. While I understand you can’t always help yourself when you’re feelin frisky, but my God! BE SMART ABOUT IT. It’s just not fair for a child to enter such an uneasy situation.

4) Water Camel Pack: You’e going to need to fill that baby up whenever and wherever you can. You’ll be able to raid stores once the apocalypse has taken over and local towns have become abandoned, but what about when you’ve been walking for days at a time in the middle of nowhere; you’re going to need that camel pack.

5) Medicine/First Aid Kit: You’ll definitely need to be equipped with bandages, and some sort of pain reliever/dis-inflammatory. But think about all the possibilities of what accidents could take place when you’re on the run from these dead creatures. Things like inhalers and insulin injections might also be crucial, depending on your personal health.

6) Backpacks/bags/purses: You’ll definitely be collecting items for survival along the way. Storage is crucial.

7) Compass/Map: I’m undecided about whether smartphones will continue to receive service and signal, so it’s probably a good idea to know where you’re going to old fashioned way. You know, that piece of paper with all the lines and symbols on it. And that circular thing you’re grandpa gave you when you were a little bitty boy.

8 ) Good shoes and socks: You’ll be on the move, this is just smart in any case.

9) Self-powered flashlight and matches: You’ll need to see and you’ll need fire at some point. Unless somehow you suddenly feel like re-living your boy scout days and rubbing two sticks together; but as the zombies make their way towards us, and you’re still rubbing twigs, sorry dude- but I’m out.

10) Non-perishable food and if you’re ballsy, a sleeping bag: you’ll definitely wanna eat something at some point, once your stomach stops turning from all the nasty corpses. A sleeping bag would be great, but if you start accumulating too much stuff, this would probably be a likely item to ditch: you’ll find somewhere to sleep, and simply have to adjust if it’s hardly comfortable.

They’re Coming…

 

Good Luck!

 

photo credit: The Hollywood Reporter

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Paulette Greenhouse - The Penny Pincher

Paulette Greenhouse - The Penny Pincher

Paulette Greenhouse is a journalist and graphic designer, obsessed with her beloved pet hedgehog, Lisa Pickles. Seriously, she can talk about that prickly little princess for days! Paulette enjoys fashion, music, and art (cool points are gained if DIY). Although she tells outsiders that she lives in San Francisco, Paulette actually lives in nearby Pacifica because she can't afford to be that cool. The truth is she hates money and believes that it is source of many major problems in the world. But since society has made money so damn important for adequate survival, she slaves away at a lame local corporate restaurant, receiving crappy tips from people even cheaper than she is. (damn!) But above all, Paulette believes in giving exact change– it's a way of life!

3 Comments

  1. Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado
    May 31, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    And do lots of cardio!

  2. Enrique Grijalva - Mr. Minimum Wage
    May 31, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    lmao I just hope we can survive long enough so I can see the third season of The Walking Dead.

  3. Tyrell Enroh
    March 15, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Great list…I see nothing wrong