Coupon Party the Pants-Free Way

At the risk of sounding like a loud-mouth, white trash, pageant mom, I GOT Y’ALL SOMETHIN’ TA SAY, GODDERNUT! I love coupons! I do.

There comes a time, at the end of your grocery store run, when the coupons come out of the cash register with your receipt. That is not what I am referring to. Nope. Those coupons are meant to align with what you have just bought. They scream out savings that should be applicable to your needs. 25 cents off Almond Milk!! $3 off your next purchase of Fiber One granola bars! The only thing is they’re usually for the other Almond Milk. And since when do I buy granola bars? I don’t, it was the fiber cereal I got. They never get it exactly right. As if their method of organizing what I might purchase isn’t bad enough by tempting me to buy things I don’t need, they always expire too soon. Why would I go grocery shopping again in two days? I’m here right now.

People are obsessed with couponing these days. I imagine if you were a fan of the hit game show, Supermarket Sweep, you would be a fan of the coupon-er TV shows that are currently turning what’s left of your already deteriorating brain into that soggy white stuff that collects in the corners of Grandpa’s mouth. TV shows such as these are the main reason why I don’t have a TV. For all of the shows I see advertised around me, I think, “Why the fuck would I sit on my ass watching something I could be doing myself?” Couponing is no different to me.

I don’t get a weekly ad from my grocery store for some reason but I do find it relaxing to cut the deals and freebies out of them. My favorite shopping is done online. I love coming home from a long day, throwing my pants into the furnace and sitting down to shop. In my own home I am free of such inconveniences such as standing in line, other people’s musk, florescent lighting, carrying heavy bags, or looking at my frail yet lumpy body in a dressing room mirror.

I am sure to check online websites like:  RetailMeNot and CouponCabin before making any purchases. Sites like Target usually link to their own coupons online, which aren’t super helpful since they’re usually just featuring the sales that are already featured on the site. The real deals come in when people post random promotional codes that you enter at checkout. Check for every single site, seriously. I have found deals on sites I didn’t think other people knew existed.

Sometimes they will even send you a FREE gift! One time I sent my mom a little something or other online and she got these little trinkets with it. What a surprise! I have plans to steal those things but, until then, coupons! It’s not just for stringy-haired house-women who are stocking up on Spicy Hot Cheetos and an unlimited supply of Comet cleaner. People like you and I can can sit around butt naked, drinking Capri Suns and vodka entering promo codes for “cool” things like condoms, hair wax or my personal favorite… MORE COWBOY BOOTS.