Broke-Ass Luxuries For The Poor

When a Frontgate catalog arrives in the mail (by accident of course), I often find myself browsing the pages of in-home patio fire pits and wondering what type of rich person I would be. Would I be the type of rich person who buys a specially bred hybrid dog, like a labradoodle? A puggle? A cockapoo? Why do these all sound so wrong?? Daydreaming about which kind of weird-ass freak dog I should buy with my disposable income is not really something I should be doing on my current budget. So, in my ever ambitious state, I make a mean attempt at duplicating the trappings of luxury to fit my broke-ass lifestyle. Hey, they don’t call Miller High Life the “champagne of beers” for nothing.

Hair Modeling
Not nearly as glamorous as it sounds. Basically your head serves as a live dummy for hairdressers’ apprentices in training, much as my Barbies were to me when I was an eight year old with motor skills that were iffy-at-best. Sure, you get a free haircut, but you also have to sign a waiver saying that you will not sue if you end up with triangular bangs and a leopard print dye job. But for the adventurous types out there, it’s a much cheaper alternative to your typical $60+ cut. I’ve done it and I don’t look like a freak, do I? DO I?!

Coffee Maker
Just suck it up and get one. I know we all like our to-go organic, fair trade, house brew from the Bean or wherever, but spending $2.50 on average for a cup of joe just isn’t in the budget these days. I bought a shitty one-cup coffeemaker from K-Mart 2 years ago for $15 and it’s been caffeinating me every day since.

Netflix
More specifically, get totally, inescapably sucked in to a TV show via Netflix that takes up every second of spare time that you would have otherwise used to blow your wad (of cash) on any number of pointless things like: booze, bums’ change cups, Frostees, random things shaped like unicorns (I mean, who can resist?!), and tips on aforementioned booze. Breaking Bad is the one I recently got hooked on and, much like the sweet blue crystal Walter and Jesse cook up, once you try this show you soon start to feel the ever-increasing urge for like, just one more, one more episode man. Then you’re like, DAMMIT I HAVE TO MEET FRIENDS WHO HAVE CABLE SO I CAN GET CAUGHT UP ON SEASON 5.

Bike it.
There should be no better proof than that which was the wrath of Hurricane Sandy – bikes are where it’s at when the entire MTA shuts down and you’re stranded on a tiny island (Manhattan, that is). No electricity? You can still get from point A to point B, and if you’re trying to get to your lousy restaurant job that depends on the L train (which isn’t working), having a bike allows you to get there and get those dolla, dolla bills y’all. Not to mention when there’s not a hurricane looming, you can still get places way cheaper than the cost of that $104 monthly metro ticket. Plus, it’s good exercise, since let’s face it, you probably can’t afford a gym membership either.

Photo Credit: joecrazy.com