Holiday Gifts That Keep Them Boozing

Give the boozers in your life what they really want this holiday season

With the holiday season under way, gift-giving anxiety is at an all-time high. So many presents, so little time… er, and disposable income. Well, that’s all about to change RIGHT NOW because I’ve got some gift ideas that will make your loved ones swoon like a 12-year-old girl at a Biebs concert (one where he doesn’t puke on stage).

Now, if you’re anything like me, all of your dearest friends and loved ones drink booze. Often. And in large quantities. Furthermore, according to the Interwebs, people who drink alcoholic beverages go absolutely gaga for useless, hideously overpriced drinking-related accouterments. Compadre, there’s a broke-ass solution for that…

What they want: Riedel Sommeliers Black Tie Champagne Glass $93.56 – Holds one lame portion of bubbles for close to a benjamin.

Broke-ass solution: DCI XL Champagne Glass $9.55 – Holds 24 stupendous ounces of bubbles for under ten bucks. More booze for them + less broke for you = win F’n win.

What they want: Crate & Barrel 3-Piece Rabbit Wine Opener $44.95 – Gadgets like this Rabbit thing seriously piss me off because, FYI, you don’t need to spend $50 on three separate pieces and an “ergonomic, durable plastic design with chromed finish” to open a bottle of anything, particularly wine.

Broke-ass solution: Instead, give them a lesson in how real oenophiles get at their juice.

What they want: Stainless Steel Cherry Pitter $69 – Because it’s not a Manhattan without the cherry…

Broke-ass solution (lady givers I’m talking to you): Oh please, everyone already knows you can pit a cherry and do that twisty thing to the stem with your tongue in 3 seconds flat. They didn’t nickname you “Maraschino” in college for nuthin’. Now just do that like a hundred times, put the cherries into an old mayonnaise jar, and use aforementioned stems to make a pretty bow on top. Voila – ready to go!

What they want: Tantalizing Manhattan Traveling Bar Set $149.95 – Obviously, a jar full of pitted cherries is no bueno without a bunch of tantalizing portable Manhattan-making tools.

Broke-ass solution: Recently deceased old-timey drunk’s estate sale. I am a HUGE fan of estate sales because, unlike yard sales, they’re not full of stuff people don’t want… it’s stuff they did want, but they died, so oh well! Just make sure the person whose stuff is being sold was really old and drank a lot because he’ll usually have some cool vintage bar junk and old suitcases from when his wife kicked him out.

What they want: Wine Cork Lazy Susan $129.95 – Helllllooo? How are guests supposed to pass things to each other if they don’t have a tacky lazy susan in front of them?

Broke-ass solution: The DIY wine cork lazy susan has a very simple formula:

1. Hubcap from nearest freeway underpass, junkyard, or archrival’s car. Better yet, regift that old turntable your parents bought you in high school, because let’s face it, you’re never going to be an aggressively sought-after, jet-setting DJ.

2. A shit ton of wine corks– If you’re not up to the challenge of drinking enough wine to collect them yourself (cue image of me making “L” with my fingers on forehead), go to any fancy restaurant and ask them for some. They usually have ‘em up the wazoo. If the fancy restaurant declines, contact a crafty Pinterest user… they love making shit with corks.

What they want: Trip to Napa ($$$$)

Broke-ass solution: Have you ever been to Napa? It’s basically a bunch of farmland that’s been jazzed up a bit. Honestly, if you drink long enough, all farmland starts to look the same. So, grab a bottle (or box) of something good & cheap that I’ve recommended in the past, find the nearest farm, and pop a squat. Besides, it’s the bloody thought that counts, right?

Cheers to a jolly boozy holiday season, everyone!