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Lazy? Broke? Need to Lose 5 Pounds?

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Before you dismiss this article as the blog equivalent of a late night infomercial from which you’ll probably end up spending at least $75 on “miracle” makeup powder (I’m looking at you, Bare Escentuals), hear me out. I recently found myself on the pudgier side of the scale (THANKS holidays, you assholes) and thus needed to devise a way to drop the 5 lbs. of pure Christmas cheer/lard I had put on. People make losing weight such a thing, and really, all you have to do is be totally lazy. Being broke helps too in that you won’t be able to afford that 2nd dessert you so desperately want (or let’s face it – any dessert at all). Stop over thinking it, people! Here are the best, cheapest ways to lose that nasty inner thigh fat just in time for all that Valentine’s Day chocolate.

YouTube Workout Videos
Aside from being totally hi-larious, these actually work. Remember back in the day when we bought VHS for $20 a pop? I once made my then-boyfriend buy me the video tape of Buns of Steel with this cover:


He was then snickered at by the teenager running the register at the Suncoast video store. That’s how you know you’ve hit rock bottom. But now, we can get this shit for FREE. Here’s an 8 Minute Abs clip to get you started:

You have no idea how inspirational they are until you’re 4 minutes in and you’re doubled over and your abs are burning, not from exercise, but from maniacal laughter at the cheesy background music, the host telling you to “hang in there!” and of course, the outfits. Alternately, if you actually make it through the entire 8 minutes of ab exercises, you’re on a faster track than I am!

Seriously. Just eat quinoa. All day. Even if you continuously keep eating quinoa for a 24-hour period, you’ll still lose weight. And all the fiber will keep you really full, thus lowering your craving for basically any other food.*

Get Stressed
Another great appetite suppressant is just to get really, really stressed in every single area of your life. Dating someone? Break up with them! Got a job? Get fired and/or laid off! Perfectly healthy? Get some kind of weird thyroid condition unexpectedly or notice an oddly colored mole that seems to have changed shape lately! These can all add up to form a great deal of stress on your life, causing you to have no appetite for anything whatsoever, except for maybe the occasional booze drink. Or many booze drinks. It really depends on how you deal with stress. On second thought, maybe this pointer is a little extreme.**

FREE Gym Memberships
If you live in any major U.S city, you really never have to pay for a gym membership if you’re resourceful enough. I have a friend who passed out David Barton’s flyers for 30 minutes every time she wanted to work out. Most gyms have a 1-week trial period, and between Crunch, NYSC, David Barton, Dolphin, Gold’s and Synergy, you can work out a whole month for free. Of course, you’ll have to dodge membership coordinators’ phone calls for a full year afterward, but eh, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

If you’re broke enough, chances are you’re already doing this one, as public transportation costs can be a real bitch. And do I really need to mention that walking is actually a form of exercise? Just be careful where you walk – if your feet decide to get a little spring in their step and take you to somewhere like the Big Gay Ice Cream Store or Serendipity then the whole walking thing is totally defeated by the twelve thousand calories you just ingested. Try coercing those dogs into taking you somewhere healthy, maybe like a salad bar where you can get a pound of quinoa for $5. Or the gym where you can peer pressure the membership coordinator into giving you an extra week for FREE (wink, wink). Or the doctor, to get that frighteningly mobile mole looked at. With a little nudge in the right direction, you’ll be back at your pre-eggnog overdose weight in no time! And if you need some help, just hit me up and we can go to the Apple store and do aerobics for FREE.

*This statement has not been evaluated/confirmed by the Food & Drug Administration.

**All advice to be followed at own risk. Idiot.

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Patricia Scull - Patty the Pauper

Patricia Scull - Patty the Pauper

Patty loves cats, cheese, and irony, so although she is currently a petite Asian chick, she is well on her way to becoming a fat, smelly, cat lady later in life. Born in Korea and adopted to white people in the South, Patty spent her youth frolicking happily in the cornfields of eastern North Carolina. She currently lives in the East Village and can be found boozing her way through the bars (and streets) of New York.