AdviceComedyNew YorkNewsSan Francisco

8 Ways To Beat The Halloween ‘Walk of Shame’

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

If you are going to wake up in someone else’s bed or living room Sunday morning, with nothing but last night’s costume to wear home, it is going to be tricky getting anywhere without looking like a mess. Especially if you misplaced your purse/wallet, phone, or marbles the night before. November 1st is a particularly hazardous walk of shame because chances are you will not blend into the natural environment, you will stick out in the broad day light like a person wearing a costume…in broad daylight. Here are ways to avoid the scrutiny, and get home undetected.  (Inspired by Jay H’s “How To Walk of Shame Like a Pro”)

1. Dress Like a Garbage Man/Woman for Halloween

Photo from the episode "Women In Garbage"

You will not look out of place on the sidewalk at 8 am if you look like a garbage man or lady hard at work. Better yet, hitch a ride home on an actual garbage truck, two birds with one stone here. Other possible double use costumes are ‘Gardener’ and ‘Gas Man’

2. Borrow a Sheet from your lover

I don’t normally advocate theft, so let’s say ‘borrow’. Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures, and honestly, who’s going to miss 1 white sheet?  Cut two holes so you can see and make your way home under a shroud of secrecy.
In fact if you feel really guilty about taking the sheet you can A) return the sheet or B) take a paper shopping bag from under the sink in the kitchen instead, the choice is yours

bag on head


3. Dress Like the Guy From Scream

It’s Halloween after all, and nothing hides your identity like a full on mask. You may not be able to avoid the walk but you can avoid being identified by friends and law enforcement

3b. Bring an Extra Mask (for extra stealth)

goblin mask
Are people going to recognize you in the morning because they know your costume? Pack a morning mask! Ya, last night I was the Lone Ranger, this morning I’m a goblin, suck it haters, you have no idea who I am now.


4. Get the Sex Over With At the Party The Night Before

Yeah, get it over with, pervert. If you want to avoid staying somewhere random, and you can’t keep it in your pants, get it done the night before. Warning: sex at a party may be more embarrassing than actual walk of shame, proceed at your own risk.

5. Become a Furry

I hear it’s not that bad, full anonymity, lots of role play, and it’s basically walk of shame proof.

6. Avoid Wearing a Traffic Cone on Your Head

7. Wait Until It Stops Snowing



8. And Finally

If you cannot hide your identity the morning after and want to avoid the walk, you have 2 real options.
1) wake up very early, call a cab. Get up before everyone else, and make sure the car door is as close to the front door as humanly possible.
2) Hangout until it’s night again, and act like you’re going out to another costume party, this way you’ll actually blend in with everyone else.


Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post


Next post

Why I regret Endorsing Ed Lee in 2011

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife.

If you're a writer, artist, or performer who would like to get your work out there, or if you've got great things to promote, we've got 120k social followers and really fun ways to reach them. We make noise for our partners, and for our community.
alex at

1 Comment

  1. Cut-Rate Curmudgeon
    Charles Daly
    November 4, 2015 at 4:46 am