August Love & Sex Toy Horoscopes

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August… A tricky month, astrologically speaking. Some signs see prosperity, others are far far down Shit Creek with no paddle in site. But The Sex Unicorn is here to guide you through the pitfalls and honey pots that lay in store for you all this month… So read on, and may the stars smack you on the ass and kiss you on the cheek…or the other way around depending your sign or predilections.

Aries

With Venus located in a weird sector of your chart this month, you are going to have to hear a lot of words like “accountability” and “responsibility”. Fret not though! Pick up a Black Leather Leash of Love and make those your new favorite safe words.

Taurus

Hot damn Taurus, you are just walking sex this month aren’t you? The stars encourage you to really get to know, and bone, as many people as you can this month. Pick up the Ooh Her Name Is Rio Pack so you can satisfy the needs of yourself and your whole new crew of admirers.

Gemini

Oh poor little twin, August is looking like a real hyphy mess for ya’ll. Let’s put it this way, you’re neither taking nor giving shits. People are going to just piss you off, so celebrate your own independence by turning off the phone, lighting some candles and getting down with the Hands-Free Pleasure Pack.

Cancer

The sun is out, the nights are warm and yet you just can’t stop yourself from being moody and not feeling those sexy summer vibes. What is a crab like you to do? Well, you should take advantage of being your own best turn off the phone, light some candles and get into some hot and heavy reading with Down and Dirty, 69 Super Sexy Short Stories.

Leo

Some like it hot, but this month you just want it all. Hot, rough, and with no strings attached, and there is absolutely no crime in that! So celebrate your zodiac month by doing some hella sleeping around, but safely. Pick up a grip of Rough Rider Condoms and Glyde Flavored Vegan Dental Dams and have yourself a damn fine time.

Virgo

Confident, prosperous, with looks to kill, astrologically speaking this month was pretty much made for you. Make the most of this avalanche of good luck and work your stellar sex magic to its utmost and pick up the One Night Stand Kit to help make you impossible to forget.

Libra

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but August is not the month for you. You can blame it on the alcohol, but really Mars is in your sign fucking shit up and making you all sorts of somber and if you’re shacked up it’s gonna make you question if your boo is for you. But communication and strategy are key and if you can pull those  both off, believe me. September is going to reward you. So pick up with Heads Up and Going Down kits to help get those chats, um, get off on the right direction.

Scorpio

Q: What do Pokémon Go, your sex life, and the month of August have in common? A: Well, you’re going to want to travel beyond the beaten path to catch your booty calls this month. However if work, cash money, or general bullshit prevent you from hopping on the first plane out of town do the next best thing and pick up the Ooh London Love and make Big Ben ring.

Sagittarius

You are all about your boo this month! Weather they are in your life, or just about link up to it, you are all about making sure they know that they are the jewel in your crown. So show them how much they mean to you with the Sensual Sampler Platter.

Capricorn

You are just stuck deep in your mind this month and that’s totally cool. Your brain is sucking up knowledge like a frat boy frat boy at Thirsty Thursday. Take advantage of this knowledge quest and pick up the Hot Sex book and pick up some tips and take in the rad pop art illustrations. Everyone will bone from here on out will thank you for this.

Aquarius

You’ve got two things on your mind this month: your boo and doing the dirty. Thankfully, the month of August assures that you will be seeing a lot of both. Never one to let things get stale, we suggest picking up the Feelin Frisky Kit and just wait to see what September has in store for you!

Piscies

Normally sedate and somewhat shy, August flips the mother fucking script for you little fishy, making you drawn to drama and intrigue like someone from Real Housewives. Now, normally your instinct to be to freak out, but you should really use this to your advantage. Pick up the Bendy Beads Silicone Anal Toy and leave your lovers wondering just what possessed you.