Passive-Aggressive Gifts For Sh*tty Roommates
Unfortunately, living with roommates can be the only way to get by in an expensive city. Finding the right one is difficult, and many of us will never achieve such a feat in our lifetimes. However, you can have a little fun while hopefully improving your situation by popping one of these passive-aggressive gifts into your abominable bunkmate’s stocking.
I swear, 90% of the people I’ve lived with were allergic to replacing the toilet paper roll when it ran out. Or maybe they just never learned that that’s a thing you’re supposed to do? You can help them out by gifting them this talking toilet paper roll, within which you can record instructional messages to help remind them to be a decent goddamn human being.
Talking Toilet Paper Roll from Amazon.com
Have you ever had one of these roommates? The one who insists they’re not a hoarder (they just have “hoarding tendencies.”) Every time you come home they’ve acquired something new and there’s nowhere to put it. You don’t dare open the linen closet or the upper cupboards for fear of being buried under Mt. Useless Shit. For this roommate, it’s best to send a not-so-subtle hint and pay their first month’s rent at a brand new storage unit. You can even find some used boxes on the street and wrap them all up so they have a place to put all the crap they’ll be removing from your shared space. Just make sure to ease their tension by offering tips on how to organize their storage unit so they can access everything whenever they need… because we know they use all the stuff aaaaaaall the time…
Jesus Christ, is there anything worse than having to listen to your roommates have extremely loud and annoying sex? Place a classy (and purportedly comfortable) ballgag under the tree to let them know that you no longer wish to hear the orgasms they are clearly faking with Pat-the-36-year-old-”pornography-historian”-who-just-barely-moved-out-of-mom’s-basement.
Got a roommate who can’t keep their hands off your food? Gift them a selfie toaster, made especially for them with a picture of you, hopefully with folded arms and judgey eyes. That way they’ll have to stare at your likeness every time they steal your bread and eat it. It’s a slow-play but it’s sure to foster surmounting unbearable guilt. And while you’re at it, gift yourself a Euphori-Lock to keep tham out of your favorite pricey indulgence. Give yourself the gift of Holiday Security, which is a term I made up and am choosing to loosely define as the ability to go about your day without worry or fear that your precious ice cream will be defiled by Slob-Bob-Can’t-Buy-His-Own-Grub…
Selfie Toaseter and Ben and Jerry’s Euphori-Lock from Amazon.com
Nothing’s worse than walking through the door after a long day of work, kicking off your shoes, and taking a deep breath only to choke on your roommate’s cloying spice. You’ve done everything you can do: hinted that you took a short shower so there’s plenty of hot water left, offered to do their laundry, left bottles of Febreze and scented candles lying around in obvious places. But no matter what you do, they just don’t get it. They stink. Make it clear by gifting them the most powerful deodorant known to man. It lasts seven days, so there’s no risk to your nostrils if they forget a day or two!
Take it from me, nothing’s worse than when your roommate doesn’t have a job. Even if they end up making the rent, the fact that they’re always there, loafing around, bringing down the mood and making your Febreze expenditures almost quadruple with their consistent enclosed sweating is enough to drive anyone mad. Maybe get them a pass for the next local job fair, along with some bullsh*t-free job search advice. At the very least, get them some cheap tickets to a random event so you can sit on the couch in your underwear and eat a brick of cheese without fear of unwarranted judgement (Note: This was written before so many people lost their jobs due to the pandemic).
If there’s no other reason for your roommate’s shittiness other than their generally foul and entitled demeanor, maybe an outfit matching their attitude is in order. You’ll need a really tall top hat and a caped greatcoat. The outfit will keep them warm in the winter, it will match their perpetual sneer, and of course, will warn everyone who comes within a 20 foot radius not to attempt to interact with Scrooge McGrumpy. Hopefully their newfound lack of human connection will find them coming home in a better mood every day.
Unfortunately, I have dealt with all of these situations (and worse) in the past, but currently, I have the most amazing roommate in the world. She won’t be getting any of these passive-aggressive hints because she’s just too stellar for any of them! Okay, maybe I’d get her the Euphori-Lock… for her sake, not mine. Merry Christmas, Ewa!