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Apple’s New Cheese Grater Promises More Power, Better Cheese

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Earlier this week in San Jose, CA., Apple released its latest and greatest designs, including The New Mac Pro, which is the fanciest, fastest, most powerful, cheese grater the world has ever seen.  In announcing Apple’s new foray into kitchenware, Tim Cook came on stage wearing a chef’s hat and speaking in an amazing Italian accent.

Photo via @PushedButton

On the giant screen in the auditorium, a giant hand began moving a giant block of fresh Monterey Jack up and down to the crowd’s amazement and delight. As Tim Cook did an incredible voiceover performance, “Looka me-ah, I grate the cheese-ah’, Cook exclaimed in his Italian American accent, which was not at all offensive, because there are no Italian tech journalists.

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“The future is-ah very clear-ah!  Mac Pro n’ cheese-ah! Molto bene! Arrivederci!” Then an Apple executive came on stage and said, “Thank you Italian Tim!  The new Mac Pro has a 28-core Intel Xeon processor, which is way more core than we have ever seen in any kitchen appliance!  And dare I say a #grater than ever design?  Does that sound #gouda?”  The execs then proceeded to use many, many more cheese puns to the great applause from hundreds of Apple fans.

your back core, your arm core, your...

The new Mac Pro will start at just $5,999 and is available in the fall.  But if you want the monitor, storage & processing upgrades, and the montior stand you’ll have to pay upwards of $50,000.  (we’re not making this part up).

This article is satire.  Except for the price tag, that part is true. Oh, and this new computer’s design, we couldn’t make that up.

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Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife (not so much nightlife anymore).

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