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How to Safely Eat Your Pets During a Food Shortage

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It’s day eleventy-thousand of quarantine, and if you are like me, you’re starting to think about eating your pets.  Not because you have anything against your wife’s Pomeranian named ‘Penelope’, but because your government is asking you to shelter in place, and to conserve supplies, and you have mouths to feed.

How to Eat Your Dog

1.You’re going to want to get your wife out of the house first.  Tell her you need some life saving medicine or something, the important thing is that she leave for a while so you can prepare her dog.

2. Find a pot big enough for Penelope.

3. Shave the dog and combine it with some lovely spices (more great dog soup recipes found here.)

4. Eat the dog.

Here is a photo of my wife and our dinner Tuesday night.  Sometimes I can barely tell them apart.


How to eat your ferrets

Stewart and Kayla had a tough time deciding which of their ferrets to eat first

How to properly Spit roast your ferrets, hamsters, kittens, & armadillos

Like a lot of us, Stewart and Kayla are tired of going to the store.  And, maybe a little tired of their ferrets, who keep multiplying in numbers.  As many of us ferret owners know, ferrets love to fuck.  For more about ferret breeding checkout this video, but for now let’s focus on how to eat them.   Simply watch the video bellow, and every time Kayla says ‘rabbit’, just substitute the type of pet you are eating, because the cooking instructions are the same for all small pets.


How to eat your bats

My friends Brian and Bonnie love to eat their pet bats from time to time.  Sometime they eat their own bats, and sometimes they go to wet markets and buy a whole colony of bats to eat.  But often they have enough pet bats at home to make dinner.  And right now with the shelter in place ordinance, who wants to risk going to your favorite bat cave or market to look for more pets?  I know I don’t.

How to ‘Sous Vide’ your bats by Martha Stewart

Brian and Bonnie recommend Martha Stewart’s fancy sous vide bat recipe.

“Juicy, flavor-packed, and impossibly tender, a sous vide bat is an extraordinary meal that you can make in your kitchen tonight” – Martha Stewart.

STEP 1: PREPARE A WATER BATH

STEP 2: MOUNT A THERMOMETER ON THE SIDE OF THE POT (OPTIONAL).

STEP 4: PLACE BAT IN A ZIPLOC BAG.

STEP 6: SEAR BAT (OPTIONAL).

For entire bat recipe go to marthastewart.com, or do what I did and email Brian.


*This article is satire, I’m tired of the news, so I created some idiotic premises to hopefully make you laugh while you’re stuck at home.  Be well.

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Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife (not so much nightlife anymore).

If you're a writer, artist, or performer who would like to get your work out there, or if you've got a great product or service to promote, we've got 120k social followers and really fun ways to reach them. We make noise for our partners, and for our community. alex at brokeassstuart.com

3 Comments

  1. Jibber Jabber
    April 20, 2020 at 7:22 am — Reply

    The bats were delicious. My dog couldn’t get enough of them.

  2. Quinn
    April 20, 2020 at 7:22 am — Reply

    The movie King Rat (1965) comes to mind. American POW in Asia in WWII is wheeler-dealer. Gets nickname for turning rat infestation into breeding of rats for food. From Wiki:
    “King (Rat)” extends his operation to include trading valuables to the Japanese and breeding rats to sell as food to the officers as a delicacy, activities that Marlowe is happy to aid in because of…”

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