Downgrade Your Trendy Foods: Choose Your Own Ceviche
How many times have you said to yourself, "I could make this" ?
In the past, I’ve used this humble space to talk about how not look so poor when eating your Mac & Cheese, or Ramen noodles, or Peanut Butter and Jelly. OR WHATEVER.
But what about all those trendy dishes the hot new restaurants are serving up that all your Yelp friends are just absolutely going nuts over? (Do people have Yelp friends?) You’re probably feeling the foodie-peer pressure to give those dishes a try, but you know in the back of your brain (the part that kind-of knows the balance in your checking account) you’re wondering: “Is it really worth it to wait in line for what could be like, 30 minutes or so to eat something I’m not even sure I’ll like?” This is an understandable dilemma, it’s hard to know if something will be delicious just because everyone on the Internet gave it 4 stars (minus one star because the waiter forgot to ask if you wanted to upgrade to the cadillac margarita).
Well, I’ve been to restaurants so that practically makes me an expert on making and eating food, so let’s break down one of the menu items that’s been popping up at restaurants a lot over the past year or so: Ceviche.
If you’re not familiar, Ceviche consists of fish (usually sushi-grade Tuna) marinated in lime juice, with onions and something to make it spicy like jalapenos or even just hot sauce. Kind of like a less boring Tuna Tartar, Ceviche is one of the best and cheapest meals I’ve ever eaten. In Peru you can get it right on the beach for 3 bucks with a beer and some chifles (fried banana chips) from a “restaurant” that’s nothing more than a tent with a cooler and some chairs. In Belize, I learned that some dude didn’t want to waste all the lime juice, salt and hot sauce at the bottom of a bowl of ceviche, so he poured it all into a beer and called it a Michelada. But of course, in San Francisco you pay like $16 bucks for a plate of Thai-inspired Peruvian fusion ceviche with some fried wonton tortilla chips.
Restaurant people will love to tell you why it’s worth paying the premium, but broke people love to complaint that I could make that myself! (and then never do it). But you can! Because it’s easy! Here’s all you’ll need for some Broke Ass Ceviche:
- Some kind of fish: Because you’re not going to actually be “cooking” per se, just marinating it in the lime juice, you’ll want something that’s sushi-grade or safe to eat raw. You can usually find Ahi Tuna steaks year-round at your local grocer or farmer’s market. That shit can get expensive depending on how yuppie-fied your Tuna is and how far from the ocean you live. Dice it up into chip-friendly chunks.
- Lime juice: a lot! Or enough to cover the chunks of fish, at least. That stuff that comes in a lime-shaped squeeze bottle will do in a pinch. Just don’t forget to save a wedge for your cerveza.
- Onion: don’t think about this too hard, it’s just an onion. Use that one in the back of your fridge, leftover from the omelet you made the other day. Dice it or whatever.
- Various spicy things: If you like your ceviche clean and hot, get a whole fresh jalapeno and slice it into rings like you’re going to top off a plate of nachos. If you’re ridin’ dirty, just dump half a bottle of your favorite hot sauce in there. Marie Sharp’s Habenero Pepper sauce is my favorite, but it’s hard to find and you can’t really go wrong with Tapatio or whatever else you swiped from the taqueria when you were drunk-eating.
- Other shit: diced green peppers, tomatoes, cilantro, salt, whatever sounds like it would taste good in there. Try not to think about this too hard or you’ll just fuck it up.
That’s pretty much it, just combine all those ingredients in a big bowl. Let it chill in the fridge for awhile. The fish should turn white from soaking in the lime and you’re good to go. Eat it like salsa with your favorite tortilla chips. (Casa Sanchez, always.) Or try one of these alternative versions:
Ceviche Mixto: If you’re not down with Tuna, you could also make it with shrimp and/or calamari, but you’ll want to cook those first before soaking them in lime.
No Comida Pescados: If you’re not a fishaterian or whatever, you could probably sub in like sliced cucumbers or something, but I’m pretty sure that’s just called “salsa”.
Super Broke Ass Alternative Version: Sometimes you can find canned tuna with sliced jalapenos in the can. I’m pretty sure this is a Latin American thing, so look for these at your local Spanish-Speaking Bodega. Add the rest of the ingredients or just squeeze a lime over it and eat it with chips. This will probably run you like $1.50 not including the chips.
And don’t forget to save the juice at the bottom for a homemade Michelada!
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