Things You Can’t Leave the House Without in San Francisco

It’s always good to make sure you’re prepared in a city like San Francisco, because you never really know what’s going to happen at any given moment. I put together this check list for all you cum dumpsters to make sure you’re ready when shit hits the fan:

1. Jacket

Anyone who spends more than one hour in San Francisco knows the weather changes every ten minutes. I once looked out a window from the top of a flight of stairs and saw it was a sunny day and in the time I reached the bottom it was dark, ugly and clammy. But enough about your sex life, I’m tryin’ to tell a story. Like mom always says, “You’re the abortion I never had, now put on your coat!”

2. Emergency Cab Money

It’s a good idea to tuck away a $20 bill in your wallet or purse to have as emergency cab money should you ever get caught in a sticky situation. We’ve all had that moment where one minute you’re at your niece’s piano recital, and the next minute you’re railing coke off a hooker’s ass. And then you have to try and make it through the rest of the recital, it’s always good to have an evacuation plan ready to go.

3. Mace or other self defense

I’m not condoning violence, but you never know when someone might get in your face and you need some self defense. I’ve seen more than a few creeps wandering these streets, look at Stuart for christ’s sake. They can attack at any time. Like mom’s bed-time nursery rhymes, “Good little boys get lots of toys, but bad little boys get a face full of mace. Goodnight.”

4. Comfortable Shoes

My friend and I were at Twin Peaks once and she described San Francisco as a “a gridded blanket thrown over hills.” Obviously she’s retarded and we don’t hang anymore, but the hills are pretty intense. When I first moved to the city, the amount of climbing was so insane that I ached in muscles I didn’t even know I had.. down there. Hey, don’t be such a pervert. I mean in my penis.