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A Scumbag’s Guide to Portland – The Final Chapter

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This totally great postcard was taken from

Hi GUYS! It’s been a second. Sorry about the delayed finale to this series, but I’ve been travelling/hungover most days in the past month and I just really didn’t feel like doling out recommendations to you because there’s a part of me that thinks maybe I should clean up my act and calm down and put a halt to this raucous, unstable, indulgent, satanic party of a lifestyle.


So here’s the final chapter of A Scumbag’s Guide to Portland. I’m leaving now for a second, but dude, I have to tell you something…

…I love you. I really do. I’ll call you.

This isn’t really specific to Portland, I just really like this picture and caption.

TUBE – The Tube is where your friend’s band is playing when they go on their first or third west coast tour. Characterized by all the typical dive bar bullshit that you know and are used to getting drunk in, including, but not limited to: scowling regulars, damp and dark womb-like interior, long long lines for the gnarly, puddled bathrooms, and unidentifiable fried stuff that some people might legally be allowed to label as food, somewhere. Since the design is true to it’s name (it is literally shaped like a Tube) whatever band you’re seeing will be screaming in your face. So that rules. Best for punk rock shows and regrettable Monday happy hours. Whenever we go downtown looking for new fun place to explore, we give up two steps in and just end up here.

Robbed from UJ’s Facebook page

Union Jack’s –  This strip club is on Burnside so that is convenient, because so is everything else. Lots of the babes are covered from head to toe in tattoos, giving this place a Suicide Girls LIVE!! kind of feel. It’s really much better on weekdays, when the girls are not-so-serious, and down to make whatever money you got on you. Whenever I go there, the bartender is the same cute girl, who is slightly rude, in a pretty sexy and rad kind of way. I wouldn’t walk in on a weekend, due to the potential button-up shirts and frosted tips that will surround you, but otherwise it’s one of my favorite strip clubs in Portland. Gritty, greasy, vibe, and the dancers work with that really well.

The least offensive umbrella I could find, from

HONORABLE MENTION: Umbrellas – If you use an umbrella in Portland, everyone will look at you and point and laugh and talk about how completely stupid and not-metal you look. It won’t even matter that you “aren’t gonna catch pneumonia!” or whatever, because of how not-tough and totally dumb you are. Just prancing around in the rain. With your stupid dork armor.*

*Disclaimer – I totally use umbrellas

Victory Bar –  I will start this off by saying that one of my favorite places to party for someone’s birth in San Francisco was this bench-filled, beer guzzling German place, Suppenkuche. I also lived in Berlin for a bit. I love German food. So I love Victory Bar. The spatzle is undeniably good (Do you know what spatzle is? Well last I checked i’m not Julia Child, so Google it, lazy bones) especially when mixed with the spicy sausage they serve. I think the staff here is pretty attractive, overall, which never hurts. If you’re super into beer (I am not super into beer) they have what appears to be a pretty decent list. The obvious warning is that it’s not for babes that think, say, a fruit cup is a day’s worth of food. Portions are crazy, so come on down and let them mop up your hangover and prepare you for what will doubtlessly be another night of being up to no good.

Wonder Ballroom –  This is a lovely place to see Red Fang and drink too much with other total losers who think they are worth something due to Portland street cred. (Which is a thing. Sad. I know. But it’s totally a thing.) It’s a pretty venue, though, kind of gospel-church like on the inside, and the acoustics are great. (Do I sound like I have any idea what I’m talking about? I have no idea what I’m talking about.)

X – If you can tell me about a good place in Portland that begins with an X, well then…I promise to not punch you in the face the next time that I see you.

Your Inn – Get it? Say it really fast. Typical of Portland’s northern species, this is a tiny little bar, run by one person and it will take your forever to get anything. But who cares? Do you really have some where to be, Mr Important Person? (if the answer is yes, you shouldn’t have been reading this in the first place) No. You don’t. So sit your ass down and wait for the totally respectably nice bartender to finish prepping a sandwich for someone else, and then relax while she makes you a vodka soda for two hours. If you’re not DT’ing too hard, or whatever. Please also note that this is a FANTASTIC burger. But really, don’t bother if you’re in a hurry for anything at all.

This is us, partying at your house.

HONORABLE MENTION: Your house – Let’s party at your house. Cool? Should we bring anything? No? You’ll provide everything? RAD because the past 73 parties have been at my place and now it looks like a slack den and also I think my cat is getting pissed off and is sick and tired of snoring people passed out in the bath tub.

This is how i feel about going to the zoo.

The Zoo – Zoos are magical places, providing that they don’t suck and aren’t those cruel, shitty, “we keep seven tigers in one five-foot cage” type of places, and I don’t believe the Portland Zoo is of that variety. For you creeps that are currently raising gremlins, this should pretty much be your go-to activity whenever you get custody. You can’t really get into too much trouble, walking around, sipping Powerade, looking at our adorable fuzzy friends lickin’ their chops, lurking around contained spaces and feasting on dead things.
…Can you?

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Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

I like kittens, 40s, cupcakes, pizza, metal, thigh-highs, weekends, travelling, and parks. Lemmy is god. That's...that about covers it.