More Funny Translations of Tech News

Just because you get the news about all the wonderful things happening in technology, doesn’t mean you know what the fuck it means. Luckily, we break it down for you, in a hilarious manner, so your friends think you’re smart and know stuff.

The Internet is in an ongoing uproar because Apple and Facebook are now including egg freezing among the perks/health benefits they offer employees. The procedure, which costs $10,000 per round of egg harvesting and $500 a year to store frozen eggs, will theoretically help women stop worrying about their biological clocks and postpone motherhood until it’s more convenient.

What it means: Women in Silicon Valley can now spend an extra 10 or 20 years trying to get impregnated by a man who is too socially awkward to buy them a drink.

A new, mysterious company called “Magic Leap” just got $542 million in Series B funding to make our eyes as happy with the real world as our hands are with our mobile phones, According the company’s CEO, “If you step outside your office and look at San Francisco Bay, it’s just this visual feast, and…there’s nothing that will ever match the grandeur of what our own brains can create in terms of visual experience.” Magic Leap can fix that problem by projecting better (albeit completely fake) stuff in that Bay.

What it means: Magic Leap’s marketing team will spend the new few years erasing all historic evidence of the psychedelic 60s in order to make the claim that this product is actually innovative.

Uber is getting blasted in the news again, but this time for a whole new reason. The company’s division in Lyon, France, recently promoted a service where customers (presumably men) could order a car driven by a “hot chick” for a maximum of 20 minutes. Uber’s now-deleted blog post began, “Who said women don’t know how to drive?” Some people (mostly women) are pissed. One very prominent tech journalist is officially boycotting the app and Uber’s “asshole culture.”

What it means: Uber Lyon is postponing its partnership with the French prostitution industry until early 2018, or whenever American women stop being so goddamn oversensitive.

Google has introduced Inbox, an alternative to Gmail, that will simplify your life. According the product release video, “every impulse purchase” and “every new person you meet” adds clutter to your life via email. By allowing you group certain types of emails together and including a to-do list in your email interfact, Google will help you “get back to what matters.”

What it means: The success of this product hinges on everyone agreeing with Google that “what matters” is spending hours per day tweaking and customizing a mail app.

Images courtesy of: The Professional Gardener, Experiencepoints.net, zerotohundred.com, Junopower.com