Uber Sabotages Dozens of Tech Companies with Plot to Monopolize News All Week

Early Friday morning, Aereo, the tv streaming company that has battled long and hard against television networks to steal and re-resell programming to users, filed for bankruptcy. In the past, the company has captivated the attention of gossip-hungry readers everywhere. But after a week of world-class PR from the team at Uber, the global ride-sharing company, it’s possible that no one will even have the chance to snicker at Aereo’s demise.

It all started when an Uber exec leaked to a Buzzfeed reporter at a private dinner that the company planned to run a $1 million smear campaign against journalists.

“Everybody knows that the threatening someone’s safety is the best way to get their attention,” says Candy Kane, a PR intern in New York City. “This was a brilliant way to kick off a campaign.”

Things escalated from there, as Uber’s CEO gave a Twitter apology that most people found unimpressive, inspiring dozens of articles about how his apology was unimpressive. Then, Uber leaked another bomb to ensure they stayed in the public’s eye. News broke that Uber had used a tool called “God View” to track the location of two journalists.

“All the pieces fit together so perfectly,” says Kane. “As a young person starting my media relations career, I’m just blown away by Uber’s strategery…Wait…is that a word?”

Uber also leveraged social media channels. Around the same time that Uber general manager John Mohrer was making Twitter headlines for his use of journalists’ private data, he tweeted a picture of the NY office with the caption “Shake it off…#hatersgonnahate.”

“A successful, grown man tweeting Taylor Swift lyrics? No. Just…no. It was clearly the work of a 22-year old agency girl, maybe a really immature 24-year old,” says a Bay Area engineer who hoped the network cloud solutions company he works for would make news when they announced a new data center in Dayton, Ohio this week.

But network cloud solutions companies, and even some remotely interesting companies, lost all hope after Uber’s next move, a tweet from Uber investor Ashton Kutcher, asking, “What’s so wrong about digging up dirt on a shady journalist?”

“There’s nothing sexier than a hot guy saying something insensitive,” fumes Zack Smith, whose company Pinder, which he says is like Tinder for puppies, launched this week. “I was really rude to a waitress at a bar on Tuesday, hoping it would give us some extra air cover, but Uber totally knocked this one out of the park.”

Now, despite Uber’s plan to have an outside lawyer investigate its privacy policies, the hashtag #deleteuber is spiking on Twitter. Meanwhile, someone from NASA has indicated that the Curiosity Rover may have found life on Mars, but they’re waiting for a quieter time to release the news.

The source adds, “We knew might be up against something minor like Obama proposing immigration reform, but we’re not prepared to compete with breaking news of this magnitude.”

Not as easily deterred from outer space, @MarsCuriousity tweeted, “What the fuck is wrong with you guys?”

Please note this is entire piece is satire.