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The Best Drugs to Take Home for the Holidays

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It’s that time of year again. You’re leaving the life you built to step back into whatever family dynamic you fled. You’re going to need something stronger than carbs to avoid becoming the worst version of your adolescent self again.

Our mantras and best intentions can only get us through the first few hours with family before we all revert back to our old, and probably terrible patterns.

I recommend drugs. Self-medicating is all about planning ahead. No one wants to be the thirty-something caught drinking NyQuil, again.

If you’re currently legally medicated, a family holiday is a bad time to go off your meds. So keep taking whatever your psychiatrist has prescribed. If you’re walking into an emotional snake pit, or feeling generous, you may ask your doctor to temporarily up your dose or give you extra pills to share. If you’re planning to self-medicate you should ask your doctor about any side effects.

Problem: Your family makes you anxious.
Solution: Xanax or Valium, they’re both minor tranquilizers.

These drugs will help you “detach and observe,” the family dynamic. Instead of getting sucked into a screaming match over marshmallow brands, you can calmly melt into the background while you quietly contemplate the texture of said marshmallow brands. If you’re going to drink, make sure you don’t have to drive. You might die in your sleep but you definitely won’t get into an embarrassing spat with your cunty cousin.

Problem: Your brother is bringing his fiance and your mother has asked you to bond with her. 

Solution: Mushrooms! 

Take a small dose that will make colors and your mood a little brighter- you’re not trying to see God at the dinner table, just the redeeming qualities in this woman. Things might get weird, but it’s family, so that was going to happen anyway!

Problem: Your family treats the holidays like an intense competition that will be graded by the neighbors, social media, you’re dead relatives, and GOD!

Solution: Adderall

You’ll be able to crush any arts and crafts project. You’ll slaughter that to-do list like a god damned hero. Be the winner this year!
Warning: This drug will make you more anal and combative. People may not remember the perfect cookies you made, decorated, and wrapped but they will remember when you made your 9-year-old niece cry by calling her frosting “sloppy and lazy.”

Problem: You’re sleeping on a couch with Aunt Snoresalot.
Solution: Ambien

Nothing makes you more likely to cuss out your smug nephew than not getting enough rest. Don’t leave it to chance, knock yourself out.

Problem: Your Uncle thinks he’s hilarious, but he’s just racist.
Solution: Pot!

Pot is a classic. Late night multigenerational joint passing is how you find out what a slut your mom used to be! Making pot cookies for the whole family is fun! Just remember that drugging your family members against their will, might mean they leave you out of theirs!

No matter what, try to resist the temptation to drink too much. It’s a great way to black out all the feels, but no one wants to leave their heirlooms to someone who pissed themselves as an adult.

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Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey is a stand-up comic. You may have seen her on MTV's Braless, or heard her on SiriusXM radio. She writes for Vice and travels with the CAKE Comedy Tour.