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Putin Gives Trump a ‘Full Pardon’ on New Years Day

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Moscow – President Vladimir Putin held his annual New Year’s Eve party and this year President Trump was in attendance.  Putin gave a grand toast at midnight and officially pardoned the American President for all his transgressions in 2019.

In front of a crowd of party-goers, Putin gave a speech in Russian that was translated by his interpreter:  “For all of Mr. Trump’s great service to Mother Russia, and for his dedication to making Ukrain great again,” Putin told the crowd, “I hear by pardon Donald for all transgressions that American Congress says he did.”  Smiles and relieved faces appeared throughout the crowd of Russian oligarchs, Trump staffers, and very classy prostitutes.

Puttin raised his glass of Champaign, Turned to Trump and said, “Mr. Trump was just trying to help Ukraine, and Ukraine needs our help in 2020, together we will make Ukraine, Russia again!”  Cheers erupted around the ballroom, and after peering at Trump and smiling, Putin added, “And also pee-pee tape does not exist!”

“I was witch hunted by the free press!”

As the band began playing Russian music very loudly, Trump shuffled over to the Russian state reporters and Fox news correspondent who were kept in a corner of the ballroom and began shouting his statement over the noise, “So as you can see everything is fine now,” Trump yelled over the music,  “I have been completely exonerated by the powers that be, President Putin and I believe Jesus Christ too, if he were here, both agree that I did nothing wrong, and that the American Press is just out to get me.”

Happy New Year, everybody!


*This is satire

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Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife (not so much nightlife anymore).

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