I Went To White Castle for Their Fancy Valentine’s Day Dinner

I can’t believe I accepted this in the first place.

A couple of weeks ago Stuart notified the BAS team that White Castle turns into “Love Castle” every February 14th, and all their locations are dressed with “romantic Valentine dinner”-esque themed outfits. You would actually have to call your area’s White Castle and ask for a reservation at the spot. I was the first one to jump on the opportunity (because I’m in college and I need to experiment at least once in my life) and posted this on my Facebook immediately afterwards:

I had really hoped everyone would behave like the rest of the status posts I write on Facebook and simply ignore it. Unfortunately, they didn’t and the first guy to want in on this was my closest friend Craig. I kept telling him repeatedly that this was either going to be the best thing in the world or the worst thing in the world (all that I know is that if this article doesn’t get above 1.5K views, to make it worth it, I’m FUCKED), and I reserved us a spot in the Midtown White Castle at 8th Avenue.

We walked in and Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, I wanted to know why God hath wrought me unto this damned dirtball we call Earth. My buddy Craig, bless his soul, has the most optimistic personality in the world, so when he saw the cheap Valentine’s Day decor with the paper cut hearts and the red table cloth and the plastic roses in the red plastic wine glasses he said, “WOAH, THIS IS FIRE. ZACK I’M SO GLAD YOU BROUGHT ME HERE”. I said, “I..I..I wish we hadn’t”.

And so I think into the great nothing. What hath God wrought unto my being?

My reserved table had my name on a clip and we were properly seated with a waitress and everything. Holy fuck, it felt so weird. The waitress served the both of us Sprite in a stemmed glass, not only because it’s fancy and fits with the romantic dinner theme, but it’s also an acknowledgement that White Castle Headquarters knows that they make a ton of money off of this, and are willing to spend the BIG BUX on stemmed glasses.

Sadly, the infidelity fries did not make the roster this year.

I ordered a “Loaded Fries” and 4 sliders (because the moral compass most people have in their lives is non existent in mine), and I asked Craig his thoughts about this whole charade. He was still really excited and thrilled to be here, which to be frank, is great. He was having loads of fun eating in a place where you could not only start a relationship, but could also completely dismantle one. I was pretending in my head that me and Craig were married (even though neither of us are gay), and whenever he would say something about how great this whole thing was, I kept asking for a divorce. I accidentally spilled the red champagne glass that held the fake roses, all over the table. I still wanted a divorce.

It’s nice to know that people embrace the “omg its so ironic and I know it” kind of thing because it keeps reminding you that this is probably White Castle’s biggest profit day in a world filled with McDonald’s and Burger King’s and Wendy’s. It’s also nice to know because people like experiencing strange off the cuff events every now and then to reduce the stress of life’s loves, fears, and anxieties. White Castle pulling this kind of thing off is weird and perfect because it lets us to stop thinking about the bad chattels in life and allow us to eat, be merry, and vibe on the kitsch decor.

At the end of the day, we realized friendship was more important.

Yet just because I made that observation doesn’t mean I subscribe to it. White Castle still makes me want to be pushed off in a boat like a Viking funeral. But I see why my buddy, in his eternal optimism, looked like he was having the time of his life.

We paid our check and walked out into that bitter 2 degree Fahrenheit cold (we’re at that point in the season in which, to badly paraphrase Garrison Keillor, God makes a very serious attempt at killing you). As Craig heard my take on what we had experienced, he chuckled, I chuckled, and we left.

(Still, if this doesn’t get 1.5K views to make this worth it, I’M FUCKED man.)