A Guide to Riding the SF MUNI: Part One

Anyone who lives in San Francisco knows your ride home can make or break your night. You may see something devastating like a baby taking it’s first steps, or something hilarious like an elderly woman falling from her walker. Either way, you’re going to cry after you masturbate and that’s what really brings this twisted metropolis together. Here are a few basic rules that I think are pretty reasonable for everybody to adhere to while riding the MUNI:

1. Do heroin after you get off.

It’s never good manners to shoot up before riding the bus. Keep in mind that you’re on public transportation, not backstage at the Miley Cyrus show. I always get really sad when I see someone so strung out they’ve turned into a zombie and can’t manage to sit up straight. I once saw a guy with his eyes rolled back in his head and upper body swaying back and forth, only to drop his milkshake all over the floor and pass out. It made me feel empty and depressed for the rest of the week, it was a strawberry milkshake.

2.Don’t soil yourself.

Everyone has had that moment where you smell something on the bus that makes you wish you believed in something so you could pray for the sweet release of death. Whether it’s urine, pooticles, or just plain body odor, it’s aggravated rape of the nose. I’ll never forget the time I smelled nachos and my mouth watered, and the horror of realizing there were no nachos in the vicinity.

3. If you’re gonna ralph, get off the bus.

I’ve seen way too many people vomiting on the floor of the bus, and it’s just plain rude. I’ve never met a person who spontaneously barfed without their body giving at least 30 seconds notice. That’s more than enough time to make it to the door, if not off the bus. If you have the money to go out and get annihalated, you have the $14 it’ll cost to get a cab. There’s no need to involve victims while morphing into Pukeasaurus Rex. It’s something that should be done in the privacy of your own home, like after watching 2 Girls, 1 Cup or the Victoria’s Secret fashion show.

4. Mind your sack.

There’s really no need to occupy more than one seat, and chances are a real person will appreciate the load off a lot more than your bag. No one believes that you were too busy thinking about feeding the homeless to put your purse on your lap. Face it, you are young, over privileged and beautiful. Scoot the fuck over.