Most Affordable European Countries to Travel to This Summer

How do I know this? Because I just damn did it! I just came home from three glorious months in Europe. So, where should you go this summer on the cheap!?

Italy

Courtesy of King of Wallpapers

By far my favourite place in Europe at the moment. Why? 2 Euro wine. Yep. That’s $2.19 for those spending dollars. Get your ass to Sicily. What can you do? Hike an active volcano, visit the film set of The Godfather, drink a lot of fucking wine, eat Horse Balls (true story), grab other fabulous meals for under $10. Go to some churches to purge your sins and have sex in a convent. What? It was worth it.

Malta 

Courtesy of Thompson.co.uk

You can see this entire country in three days, so go there for a week. Top tip: Eat off the Euro Saver Menu at McDonald’s and save your money for 2 Euro beers and shots of rum. What can you do? Look up every destination swimming hole you can find and spend the day in the tropical water. Visit the set of the 1980’s Popeye – for all you Robin William’s fans. Go to St. Julian’s for the night life. Find a hot 21 year old from Sweden to buy you drinks until 4 a.m., when the bars shut down, and convince him to go swimming with you in the Blue Lagoon. What? Free nights are always worth watching the sun come up with a sexy stranger.

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Iceland 

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Straight up WOW airlines runs flights from San Francisco, New York, L.A., D.C. and Boston. Arrange your own stopover in this place. Be sure to book one way, both ways, not a return. It’s way cheaper. I haven’t actually been to Iceland, but once you’re on this side of the pond – you can book flights to Paris, Malta, Pisa, Sicily – all sorts of cities for $60 and under.

My friend Jonas is a chef at a killer restaurant in Reykjavik called Haust. Tell him I sent you. You might even get a free dessert. *wink, wink

France

Courtesy of Travel Noire

For some reason this place is stupid cheap right now. Stay in a freaking hostel. Read How To Have Sex In A Hostel before you go. Trust me, it’s fabulous. Gare du Nord isn’t the safest place ever if you’re a single white female, but the bar in the bottom of the St. Christopher’s has beer pong and 2-4-1 drinks. Men will buy a lot of those for you. So, you can afford to go down the street to Chez Papa. Get the duck breast. I still dream of it!

The metro is so damn cheap, you can go all over the city and see the sights for like 3 Euro. That way you have money for killer wine. You’ll need to be drunk to go to the Louvre. It’s a mad-house. And if you have no conscience, go early and just stroll into the wing with the Mona Lisa. No ticket agents are there, and you won’t have a problem not paying for tourists to hit you and push you to get a selfie in front of a masterpiece. Fucking twats.

America

Courtesy of Weirdus.com

Ok, this is not Europe. Duh. I mean, if you’re gonna go on holiday and you want to keep it cheap drive somewhere cool. With gas prices being hella low, you can’t go wrong with a road trip. Go see a big fat ball of twine with your fuck buddy and turn it into a secret getaway with sex in strange places. If I can get it on in a convent, you can creatively come up with a place you haven’t had sex. Like behind a big ball of twine. Turn it into a summer of sexcapades. Just use condoms. What? Being sexual is fine as long as your being super-safe, yo!

Think outside the box. Next week I’m going to my American Bestie’s house in Pittsburgh for a mini-vacay. What are we doing? Half priced day at Kennywood. Flirt with bartenders at new place called Bacon, Bourbon and Beer for discounted drinks. Casino Night: we take flasks of vodka or rum in our big-ass purses and score free fountain drinks by the bathrooms…and a Pirates game. It’s Star Wars Night and her brother-in-law didn’t want to go – beer and baseball dressed as Darth Vader? Yes, please.