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Jesus Opens Up About his Struggles with Mental Illness After Supporting Trump

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After millennia in the public eye, Son of God and Savior of Mankind Jesus Christ has begun to speak candidly about his struggles with managing addiction and Bipolar Disorder.

“I’ve avoided this long enough,” the member of the Holy Trinity stated while levitating in a beam of golden light. “I owe my fans an explanation, and hopefully my story can help start meaningful conversation.”

Recently, Evangelical Magazine Christianity Today called for Donald Trump’s removal from office. This was a notable moment of dissent from Trump’s typically loyal conservative religious base, which has consistently been able to justify or otherwise ignore the President’s patterns of immorality.

Jesus, whom Evangelicals worship, explained this change as a result of his recent decision to seek treatment.

“I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten. I’d bought into this myth that my Bipolar Disorder was somehow important to my role as Son of God. When you’re in it, you start to think like this is what makes me interesting, this is why I’m successful, this is why I’m who I am… and so you resist doing anything about it. As an immortal all-powerful deity, it can be really easy to surround yourself with enablers and really difficult to admit you need help. But I needed help, and now I’m getting it.” 

Christ, known as a thousands-of-years-old symbol for love, acceptance, and generosity – stunned many of his fans around the globe when he came out in support of Donald Trump’s Presidency. As a result, more than eighty percent of white Evangelicals voted for Trump in 2016.

The Lamb of God now admits that his endorsement came during a very difficult point in his life.

“I was manic. When I’m in that state, I can do anything. I mean, I’m God, so I can do anything… but can is different from should, you know? I’ve always tried to be a morally guiding force in the universe. My dad is much more of the fire and brimstone guy, and we still get along even though we disagree on a lot, but me? When I’m healthy, I’m about protecting the weak and innocent, being selfless and generous, and rejecting self-serving wealth and power. But I fell off. In 2015-2016 I was turning entire swimming pools into wine and endorsing a rapist who lives in a golden palace for President. That’s not me. That’s my illness.”

The Lord and Savior, who is currently medicated and still seeking daily outpatient treatment, seems to believe his road to full recovery will be a long one.

“It’s hard for me to reconcile what I’ve done with my fans,” Jesus proclaimed in his holy wisdom. “And also hard for me not to resent them. My therapist says my mental health is not my fault, but it is my responsibility, and that’s true… but did nobody pick up on the fact that I was spiraling when I was throwing my support behind the guy who calls refugees animals?? I’m a refugee for me’s sake. Does nobody remember all that manger shit? And what the fuck does we elected a leader not a saint mean? When the fuck did I say anywhere that a wealth-hoarding, violent monster could lead my religion?? …Sorry, I know I have to forgive. It just seems like everyone who claimed to love me ignored so many red flags for us to get to this point.”

At this point, Jesus Christ requested that we conclude our interview for health reasons. It is unclear if the once-popular icon can ever return to the status with which he was once revered after so fully undermining what was understood as his own central message.

Then again, if anyone knows about resurrection, it’s him.

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Max Bruno

Max Bruno

Editor, writer, comedian. My Myers-Briggs type is BDSM-SJW.