Ted Cruz Talks to MAGA Teen About Living with ‘Punchable Face Syndrome’

“I’m a survivor, you’re a survivor, God knows it wasn’t easy”.  Ted Cruz on living with PFS (Punchable Face Syndrome).

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas reached out to the embattled MAGA hat wearing teenager Nick Sandmann Sunday to speak with him about the dangers of living with PFS, commonly known as ‘Punchable Face Syndrom’.   The Senator has lived with the condition for most of his adult life and is considered by many experts to be the face of ‘Punchable Face Syndrome’.

Sandmann, the Catholic schoolboy, was at the center of a national debate after a video was posted of him smirking at a Native American Vietnam War veteran during an Indigenous Peoples March in Washington DC.  Even though the initial reporting and video of the incident were posted by a fake twitter account, national news outlets and journalists shared the story without fact-checking it and framed it with headlines like, “Boys in ‘Make America Great Again’ Hats Mob Native American Elder at Indigenous People’s March”.   Many public figures were triggered by the falsified story and called for the boys to be shamed, doxed, or physically harmed for their alleged disrespect.

When a longer version of the video surfaced and other eyewitnesses were questioned, it became clear that the schoolboys never initiated any confrontation and never chanted any MAGA slogans.  In fact, they were the ones being approached and antagonized by the adults.  At one point they were verbally assaulted by a group of deeply bigoted men called Black Hebrew Israelites, who shouted bigoted and hateful things at them.

“Many people assume that it was the MAGA hat that ignited this whole controversy,” said Cruz, “because it represents hatred and white privilege to many many people, but it wasn’t the clothes on this child’s back that got him in all that trouble, no, it was his big, punchable face,” said Cruz to reporters following his phone call with Sandmann.  Cruz then added, “And it’s not his fault God gave him that face.”

Honest question. Have you ever seen a more punchable face than this kid’s? pic.twitter.com/jolQ7BZQPD

— Reza Aslan (@rezaaslan) January 20, 2019

“It’s incredibly ironic that journalists like Reza Aslan, and comedians like Kathy Griffin would call this Christian boy bad names, threaten him with violence because they themselves are clearly victims of PFS as well.  They are in denial about it, but it’s clear as day, have you ever seen a clearer case of Punchable Face Syndrom than with Reza Aslan?”

Aslan is clearly in denial about his own Punchable Face Syndrome

“Many assume that only straight white males are victims of PFS, but that’s simply not true,” said Cruz, “there are cases in minority populations as well, just look at Kanye West, many have been asking if Kanye suffers from bipolar disorder, and maybe he does? I’m no psychologist, what I am is a Punchable Face Syndrom survivor and Kanye West is clearly one too.”

(Photo by Randy Holmes/ABC via Getty Images)

“Kathy Griffin has Punchable Face Syndrome too, and is in denial about it, somehow,” said Cruz

Cruz finished by saying his phone call with Sandmann was cathartic for the teen, “It let him know that other PFS survivors are out there, thousands of Americans suffer from this syndrome every day, and they are all heroes in my eyes.”

*this article is satire